Filed under: Life's fragile recollections
With 25 staples removed and 2 stitches remaining in the head, I am definitely on the route of recovery. My body has shown an amazing way of patching up after a major surgery, and I am thankful for that.
Doctors have specifically told me not to think about work, don’t stress the brain, and basically not to add pressure to the brain. The disturbing experience of my brain going into overdrive made me wonder if I would be the same person one month later, or will I have changed?
Someone asked me, “You think you would be quitting your job due to its long hours, if you can’t handle it?” That got me thinking instead, What if I can’t measure up to my previous standards anymore? What if I lose the ability to multitask and go through work at the speed and efficiency like I used to? In fact, what if I’m no longer as sharp as before, considering words do not come to mind anymore? Many “What if’s…” hover along the topic of whether my brain will be at a suitable IQ level in future.
While it is common that brain trauma often causes the brain to ‘shut down’ for a while, it became an idle mind for me that I never once thought I had to sit through. The brain goes into a blank whenever I mull too much over a thought, requiring the need for me to sit around with the diary to immediately pen random thoughts down lest I forget them. Writing wasn’t and still isn’t easy – the lack of better words, the need to re-read previous posts to ensure I wasn’t repeating myself, the lost in my sentence flow and more – while reading seems to be the only thing that calms me and eases my brain from an overdrive.
“Overdrive” became a new concept. Thinking too much becomes a problem, because my memory space doesn’t seem to able to entertain more, nor too much details. I can’t seem to think more about a certain topic I read – these have to be stored for future references instead. When someone asks me too many questions, I can’t handle it and literally have to ask them to slow down.
The brain bubbles with many thoughts. I’m glad that I finally have the time to sit and think, something I never allowed for due to the insane schedule I put myself through. But to channel these thoughts into plans, solutions, ideas and more seems impossible (for now).
It might be a case of having to find new ways to reconnect my ideas, and probably revised ways of remembering things. Memory lapses and the need to sit down and think through what I have done and not scares me, but all I can do is to hope and pray that it gets better over time.
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